Fast Food Review: Burger King's Firecracker Tendercrisp

I'll say it right now: I have a soft spot for fast food in all of its greasy, salty, meat-and-vegetable byproduct glory. I know full well that it's not for good me, the environment, the cows, my wallet, the chickens, etc. I make no apologies for eating it when a craving strikes, mostly because I'll down a giant box of chicken nuggets or a quadruple burger or something and then realize I'm hungry half an hour later because there was no actual nutritive value to what I was eating, then feel massively ripped off and avoid doing it again for a month or two, until I smell that awesomely alluring greasiness from a gas station parking lot and go do it again.

That said, Z and I were coming back from a weekend of skiing (well, he was skiing and I was faceplanting down the mountain with a snowboard attached to my feet) at Sunrise and we were hungry. Donger Needed Food because that $3.25 hot dog from the lodge was exactly how you'd expect a $3.25 hot dog from a ski lodge to be - a pathetic little weiner on a bun that couldn't even hold itself together for a pathetic little weiner (I'll go for the Indian fry bread next time - caaaarbs!). Aside from the rather good Fiesta Mexicana, the Show Low area doesn't have any food that we've found to be worth stopping for, and at 4pm we weren't in the mood for a full-blown sit-down meal anyway. Hence: fast food.

We stopped at a Burger King since Z likes to get a Whopper every now and then. The Burger King in Show Low had the words WE HAVE FIRECRACKER TENDERCRISP on its signboard, and not being someone who watches much television or pays attention to fast food advertising, I was completely confused and amused because it's got such a ridiculous ring to it (in part because of the grammatical awkwardness of the statement), spurring a "WTF? Is it food?" reaction. Sure enough, the drive-thru signs clarified to me that it was basically a spicy, breaded chicken sandwich. Cool, I like those. Wendy's is pretty decent. I got one, in value meal form.

Sidenote: I think I like Burger King's fries better than all the other fast food fries. Important main part of this review and blog post: the Firecracker Tendercrisp is really, really fucking spicy. Not just spicy for fast food, but spicy on the level of spicy Thai food (which I eat all the time, with no problems, and I can qualify the fact that it is actually spicy because I am Asian and they give me Asian-person spicy when I want spicy food). I don't know if the sauce is premixed or if the folks at the Burger King in Show Low like freaking their customers out, but this was actually a really great chicken sandwich. The sauce is like ranch dressing with a massive thai red curry-esque kick to it, and the chicken is breaded white meat and actually holds the sauce well. I actually got some good crunchy lettuce on it, and the bun didn't fall apart, and everything melded together really well. And the kicker: I wasn't hungry for a whole three hours after I ate it, which is how long a normal good meal tides the Donger over.

I want to try another one to see if the sandwich was a fluke, but I haven't craved it (possibly because I am still terrified at how spicy it was) and will thus avoid stepping foot into a Burger King for the greater good of chickens everywhere. For now.

Real Coffee, Please

A sample packet of On the Go Sugar Free Vanilla Lattemysteriously showed up with my last order from amazon. Now, normally they throw in a few crappy ad flyers and nothing more (save for that plastic mailer to send an old cellphone to the troops, which I might actually do), so this was a new thing. I like coffee, and I like free things, so my curiousity was peaked. I do not, however, generally enjoy substitutions for things that are perfectly good and relatively harmless in their normal form, like sugar, and this little packet proudly proclaimed itself sugar-free. The latte mix was especially suspect because it contained all manners of artificial-sounding components, and I generally try to avoid that stuff because it's just creepy ingesting things you can't pronounce.

I wanted to trash the thing, but I figured that would be wasteful, so I kept it and decided to try it. I am a sucker for free samples and I have trouble throwing anything useable away. I probably should have tried to give it away to someone, but then I wouldn't have been able to give you this awesome review of it.

I poured the packet into a hot cup of water at work. I'm not sure if this was the correct order of events (was I supposed to put boiling water on the mix?), as there were no instructions on the packet (I suppose instant drink-mix making is supposedly idiot-proof, but they didn't account for me), but it made this wickedly odd crackling noise as the surface erupted into a thick foam. My cube was filled with this sickly sweet coffee-esque smell. I took a sip and instantaneously thought about how angry my dentist was going to be when I walked in with a mouthful of new cavities, but then remembered it was sugar-free and that I was just going to end up with cancer instead from whatever awesome chemical they used instead of sugar. I drank the whole thing. It was sort of like hot melted coffee ice cream... not horrible, not coffee.

I spent a lot of time in the bathroom for the rest of the day. I'm just going to keep drinking my coffee black... like my soooouuuul.