Holy Whipped Cream, Batman (er, Fatman?)

I didn't buy the Redi-Whip to accompany my parkin. I don't think Whole Foods even had any pressurized whipped cream, but I didn't get around to looking, because the organic heavy cream was on sale, and goddammit, I am a cheap bastard and buy things that are on sale (wait till you see what I'm getting from Amazon tomorrow). I bought two pints.

The instructions for whipped cream didn't seem hard. Put the bowl and the whisk in the freezer, make sure the cream is chilled, and once you take the bowl out stick it in a bowl of ice water and add some sugar and vanilla. Whisk until soft peaks form. Can do.

Not trusting the generic ("Chef's Essentials") 10-parts-in-1 hand mixer/food processor/immersion blender thing I found on sale for $20 (yes, cheap bastard) four years ago that I haven't used since moving to Arizona three years ago, I decided some manual labor was in order. I was chatting with Stephen about it and he said making whipped cream by hand was possible but just involved some considerable "stamina and endurance". I'm tough! I just climbed an 18,143-ft mountain. Stamina and endurance! What's some wrist-flicking?

I got the whisk and bowl out of the freezer and plopped my bowl into the ice-water bowl. Half-teaspoon of vanilla, two tablespoons of powdered sugar, a cup of cream, and whisk away! And away. And away. Zanotti goes and takes a shower. He comes out ten minutes later and I'm still fucking whisking. I asked him if my cream would deflate if I stopped, because my wrist is killing me and I'm not dextrous enough to whisk with my left hand. He says it won't, so I go look for the 10-in-1 thing in the cabinet. I find it, but it's in some weird configuration, so I go back to hand whisking and get it to some foamy state (how it gets after it bubbles) but it doesn't seem to be progressing much beyond that. I'm mortified at this point that it's too warm, get more ice to put in the water, and contemplate how happy Jake and Ralph-dog are going to be to get a batch of fucked-up whipped cream to eat.

Zanotti, being Zanotti, goes and looks at my hand mixer contraption and somehow gets the balloon whisk attachment on. We plug it in and it actually spins when I push the button. I gleefully stick it in the semi-whipped cream, and find that the button is just a pulse button - I have to keep pressing it to make the thing keep going. I see there's another button on the bottom, and I get excited there's a perma-mode, so I press it.

The goddamn whisk falls into the whipped cream.

The top part is untainted so I put it back in, and somehow not realizing what I just did, I do it again and Zanotti makes fun of me at this point so I realize I am doing something pretty stupid, and go back to holding down the medium-speed button, which cramps my hand, but after a few minutes the whipped cream is holding up enough so that the whole bowl turns by itself because it is floating in the other bowl (ghetto mixer! I have to try that with actual batter sometime), and I get enough willpower to keep holding the damn button down because it's resembling something like whipped cream. I keep at it a little longer and it magically becomes actual whipped cream, which I promptly slather on my cake and eat. It's good. I put the rest in a container in the fridge for tomorrow. I still have leftover cake, but I might just eat it out of the bowl. Ssssh.

Parkin: A Day Late and A Dollop of Whipped Cream Short

It is currently 10pm and it is 82 degrees in my unheated apartment, fine cake-baking weather if I do say so myself. I'm too much of a cheap bastard to turn on the air conditioning, and it's a matter of principle anyway - it's November! Only in Arizona would you need the bloody air conditioning in November. Poor Ralph-dog.

Anyway, I made Guy Fawkes Day cake, aka parkin, today. I meant to make it yesterday for no other reason than it's in my beloved Joy of Cookingand it's a mostly brainless, easy recipe of the "mix the wet stuff into the dry stuff" variety - might as well make it on the day it's supposed to be made, but I went out with Z and some pals and our dinner became a very extended dinner waiting for people. No cake-baking for the Donger.

Nevertheless, I'd been itching to try out the new cake panI got last week, as I used the loaf panfor some corn bread with sexy results, so easy-peasy British holiday cake for everyone! I got a Cuisinart pie pan too, but I realized I can't make pie crust because I don't, uh, have a rolling pin. Yeah. Anyway, the parkin cooked perfectly in the recommended 35-min time slot, and after cooling it for 10 min it happily slid right out of the pan with nicely crusted sides. Cake pan gets an A!

Apparently you're supposed to put whipped cream on it, but I don't have any, so I just ate it, because I was hungry (as usual). It's got a nice moist texture (the weird white dots in the picture are rolled oats) with a solid crust on top to hold it together, but since it's not a very sweet cake (only one tablespoon of sugar in the whole thing), the whipped cream would definitely help. I know what I'm buying at the store tomorrow! I don't know if I'm brave enough to make my own whipped cream yet. I also have fond memories of eating whipped cream right out of many spray bottles as a child. Endless entertainment, except for my mother, who got to clean up all the whipped cream that somehow missed my mouth.

Leftover updates: the ratatouille from two days ago tasted better today. I put some fresh grated parm on it and it was a good side to my giant hunk of beef jerky. I hate buying beef jerky because I can't stop eating it, and then my jaw and teeth get sore, and... yeah. I know. Important problems.

Ratatouille Provencale

The Joy of Cookingsays that this is supposed to look like a "colorful cubist still life"... I suppose I could describe it as such, except it just looks like a pile of vegetables on a plate. It also tastes like a pile of vegetables on a plate, nothing special. I've never actually had ratatouille and just wanted to make it because of the movie, which I actually haven't seen either, though I keep meaning to (it's on my 200-movie long Netflix queue somewhere... I think). I put some red pepper flakes on it and just ate it, regressing to basic hungry-person "food is fuel" (aka "Donger Need Food") mode. Plus, they're vegetables, and they have vitamins and make you poop and I don't eat enough of them. Can you tell I'm just trying to make myself feel better?

Note to self: eggplants + vegetable peelers = no. Everyone else: you probably know that you're supposed to use a knife. Another note to self: if you ever want to try it again, try the cute little specialty eggplants at Whole Foods since they probably don't have that nasty bitter taste you get with the big normal eggplants. The cheap bastard approach does not work with eggplants, apparently.

In good news, I chopped two onions up for the first time without tearing up tonight. I'm not really sure how I managed that since it normally gets so bad I have to run to the other side of my apartment with tissues, but I can guess that washing my hands after peeling them and standing way the hell back while chopping helped. I tried the "trick" which involves putting them in the freezer a few times but it's all LIES. I read on some message board or article that some people actually cut them up underwater or at least under running water, which seems like a good way to lose your goddamn fingers (and the bottom of the sink doesn't really seem like a very clean place). Then you have wet onions to dry too. How is that even a good idea? Baffled.

Anyway, I wasn't really satisfied with the ratatouille and went and ate a huge slab of cajun beef jerky I got at the meat market. My next two meals are going to be ratatouille fortified with meat candy. How's that for a combo?

Eggs Scrambled with Carmelized Onions, Sage, and Parmesan

For the last four years of my life, I ate eggs for dinner at least two or three times a week (not counting the times I broke one into a bowl of ramen for protein's sake). My omelettes would fall apart easily. Scrambled eggs never had the right texture and would sometimes make me nauseous. I tried hard-boiling eggs once, with some very unsexy results. Same with poached eggs. Oh hell, I'm still mortified of poaching eggs... the one time I tried I got some nasty vinegary approximation of egg drop soup. Ugh.

However, the Donger can FRY SHIT. I am very good at frying shit. Including eggs. It's hard to go wrong with eggs and copious amounts of butter (though I sometimes do... broken yolks galore). Fried eggs and vegan sausage patties three nights a week apparently do a body well, as this is what I ate while training for bike races, triathlons, and mountaineering trips.

Needless to say, I got pretty burnt out on eggs a few months ago.

Anyhow, I was planning on making ratatouille tonight, but I was missing basil so I scrapped the idea. I did, however, have eight eggs that were due to expire yesterday, two onions about to make scary sprouts, and a box of sage that inexplicably isn't turning brown (I've had it for more than three weeks). I also have a block of parmesan that I purchased specifically for the rind to make butternut squash soup. I consulted The Joy of Cookingto make sure I didn't fuck up these eggs, and was on my way.

I love carmelizing onions. It is the best way to get rid of a pile of onions that are about to go bad. You can keep the carmelized onions in your fridge for other uses throughout the week. You can go do other things while the onions are carmelizing, like put away dishes, chop up sage to put in your eggs, frolic with your dog to cheesy eurodance music, and grate parmesan.

Now, grating parmesan doesn't sound like it should be hard, but I have the shittiest grater in the world. It's actually not bad for cheese, but I almost took skin off my finger in a very new and exciting way while trying to grate potatoes with it. I am terrified of my grater.



Besides the imminent physical dangers it provides, it grates stuff everywhere. I think Kitchenaid actually stopped making it because I can't find it for sale anymore. Ralphy-dog got all the cheese that missed the bowl. He likes the shitty grater.

About 45 minutes after I started carmelizing the onions, I deglazed the pan with some Ponti dry vermouth (like $5 at Trader Joe's, and no, it's not really drinkable). I broke three eggs in a bowl, put the specified amount of milk in, salted it, then mixed in my onions, sage, and cheese. I've always just mixed egg additions in in the pan, but Joy said to do it beforehand. I also used the specified tbsp and a half of butter, which even I, lover of fat and fried food, thought was a lot, but holy shit, it makes for good eggs. I've been missing the butter all along.

I'm kind of proud of myself for making up a tasty egg combination (and finally figuring out how to make scrambled eggs taste good at home). If you like eggs you can go and copy it and have a happy meal for yourself.