Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Real Coffee, Please

A sample packet of On the Go Sugar Free Vanilla Lattemysteriously showed up with my last order from amazon. Now, normally they throw in a few crappy ad flyers and nothing more (save for that plastic mailer to send an old cellphone to the troops, which I might actually do), so this was a new thing. I like coffee, and I like free things, so my curiousity was peaked. I do not, however, generally enjoy substitutions for things that are perfectly good and relatively harmless in their normal form, like sugar, and this little packet proudly proclaimed itself sugar-free. The latte mix was especially suspect because it contained all manners of artificial-sounding components, and I generally try to avoid that stuff because it's just creepy ingesting things you can't pronounce.

I wanted to trash the thing, but I figured that would be wasteful, so I kept it and decided to try it. I am a sucker for free samples and I have trouble throwing anything useable away. I probably should have tried to give it away to someone, but then I wouldn't have been able to give you this awesome review of it.

I poured the packet into a hot cup of water at work. I'm not sure if this was the correct order of events (was I supposed to put boiling water on the mix?), as there were no instructions on the packet (I suppose instant drink-mix making is supposedly idiot-proof, but they didn't account for me), but it made this wickedly odd crackling noise as the surface erupted into a thick foam. My cube was filled with this sickly sweet coffee-esque smell. I took a sip and instantaneously thought about how angry my dentist was going to be when I walked in with a mouthful of new cavities, but then remembered it was sugar-free and that I was just going to end up with cancer instead from whatever awesome chemical they used instead of sugar. I drank the whole thing. It was sort of like hot melted coffee ice cream... not horrible, not coffee.

I spent a lot of time in the bathroom for the rest of the day. I'm just going to keep drinking my coffee black... like my soooouuuul.

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